learning to fly

i've been in the obed now for almost a week, and it seriously feels like about 2.7 days.

there were some other climbers camping up here on the weekend, but the last of them left this morning so i have been returned to my blissful solitude. it's nice to see people once in a while, and i enjoy short bursts of human interaction.

just after i posted my last blog entry, i checked in with pete, the guy that i mentioned climbing with earlier, and found that he had taken sick and was returning home. i was so screwed. i mean, i mean, that thought merely popped into my head after initially feeling sorry for pete and hoping the best for his health and well being.

i felt pretty stupid after declaring my love for the obed, to be stuck here without a climbing partner. i realized just how much of my excitement was based on the prospect of climbing here with a solid partner i trust and enjoy climbing with. i felt completely lost.

most of the time i'm really and truly happy while i'm on my own on this trip. i will admit to having low moments, and this was one of them. all of a sudden reality hits me. i am unemployed. i just scored a free shower as a homeless person at the civic center, withdrew my last 240 dollars and lost my climbing partner. i wandered into the store outside of which i was using the pay phone, and meandered up and down the aisles. oh my god, i'm poor. poor and alone.

i'm driving back to the campground, feeling lost and all the radio stations suck. this place does not have the abundance of solid classic rock stations like alabama. i struggle between a disco-age station, talk radio, and about 42 country music stations. i turn the radio off. need to think. i think about how i accepted the bad times with the good on this road trip. think happy thoughts. what is always my advice to people in times like these? oh yes, breathe deep and smile.

breathing deep and smiling are tough to do right now, and breathing deep and scowling don't seem to be getting me very far. all i wanted to do was find a liquor store, but i know that i can't afford to spend money on alcohol. i decide to just not think about it. i need to cope, and driving while feeling messed up isn't going to do me any good. it's saturday night (the elton john song "saturday night" pops into my head) and i will think about it tomorrow.

my brain's elton john playlist accompanies me back to my new home, and i'm relieved to see a crowd of people. sometimes you just need to talk to other people so you can't hear your own thoughts. i showed up at the fire and felt like i was behind glass, as i stood outside of a few conversations, waiting for an opportunity to join in.

no dice. i need alcohol. i have one trusty bottle of tequila that i purchased in mexico four years ago, when i first began to daydream about doing a solo climbing trip. i rattle around in my kitchen and devise what i later name the "dirtbag sunrise" which is tequila blanco mixed with pink lemonade frozen drink mix and water. i had picked up the lemonade since it was the cheapest thing in the frozen food section since i needed to keep my cooler cool and it's too small for a bag of ice.

the night proceeded nicely and my worries were put aside as we hung out in the hillbilly hottub, i with my dirtbag sunrise. symbolic of the change that has come about in my roadtrip - tomorrow i have to go in search of climbing partners . i've never had to do this before since i've been bouldering the past month and was always insulated by visits of friends from toronto.

sunday morning arrives and i've slept in. i don't even see any of the people that i hung out with the night before, and the guy i promised to give coffee grounds has been up so long he drove into down and bought a brewed cup. one of the guys i talked with the night before wanders by - he barely slept at all last night and he's going back to bed. the morning continues as i wait for pete, who mentioned he would drop by on his way home in the morning. i wait until noon and when he doesn't show i leave a note on my car wishing him well and start the hike to the crag. i'm walking the extra 10 minutes to the trailhead to save on gas money.

i'm on my way to the crag, and will have to find a climbing partner by myself for the first time. it feels like my backpack is heavier than usual as i trudge along the approach. i've only been here once, and it was time for me to do it on my own. when i got to the wall, i was in luck! two gentlemen who i had met at the campground just finished hanging draws on the only route i hadn't done on the warm-up wall. i offered to clean the route for them in exchange for a belay. they offered me top rope, and i felt a twinge of recollection of my days of top roping.

i've never had a solid lead head, and have struggled with it since i took my first outdoor lead fall about four years ago. i back down from any move if there's any prospect of taking a lead fall. i've tried to work through it with damian, but all i did was lead routes bolt to bolt until i got about 50 feet up, then i sat for about 10 minutes before declaring defeat. in my times of desperation i referred to myself as a "top rope princess," just TRing routes that other people lead, even if they're within her abilities.

i can't be that person anymore.

i have to climb with complete strangers, so i'm going to have to lead at my limits. i cannot pout, cry, or whine. after running the warm-up route with the gentlemen from the campsite, i saw another group of climbers arriving further down the wall. they're getting on a route that i did with pete, thank god, so i know it's within my abilities.

i've never done this before, and i'm completely new to leading these grades, thanks to my non-existent lead head. but for some reason after falling off so many bouldering problems, i no longer care about taking lead falls and i just want to climb, plain and simple. i really hope i don't fall, but i'm too embarrassed to take in front of people i don't know.

thankfully i redpoint the route that i had climbed with pete, fighting the pump to the anchors. i will hold on, and if i fall it will be at least while i was trying hard.

later i'm on a route with the same group of people - a funky fun start to a boulder problem (for someone of my height). slopey sidepull layback to small crimp to bump for ledge. why is the ledge so far up? i set up and throw to the ledge and fall. and fall and fall again. falling is fun! i'm not sure how many times i fell, but i finally stuck the move and it felt great. i fight the pump for the rest of the climb and as i clip the anchors i look around at my surroundings and smile. it's my first lead of this grade, but i'm the only one who knows that.

they encouraged me to work for a redpoint, and i tried the route again, this time falling only once at the crux and getting it the second time. my arms are hurting and my forearms are always semi-pumped. i pack up my things and say farewell to the group, hoping sincerely to see them again sometime. i hike back out the same way i came in, by myself, but this time i'm walking on air. the top rope princess has left the building.