up down, turn around

this is another one of those times when i'm analyzing the solo roadtrip. i'm analytical by nature, and this is something else worth figuring out.

i appreciate more and more having friends around. observing the community here at hueco has really been interesting - observing human behaviour and interactions. our friends are our buffer from the world, and if they're good friends, we should feel safe in their company.

i'm all over the place with my feelings here. for starters, constantly meeting people gets quite exhausting. i retreat to my tent, but then sometimes i get bored and just wish someone would come over and ask if i want to do something. i don't really know anyone that well. i met a really cool couple from vancouver and was blessed with friends for a week - a temporary buffer from the world but now i'm on my own again.

Humourous Attempt at Being Social #1
last week i tried slacklining... there were a number of people around and i bit the bullet, put my pride aside and my ego on hold. one of the taller guys held my hand and explained how to get on the slackline. i tried my bestest and laughed my way through a few steps on the line. i must have been going in slow motion, because when i biffed (new hueco vocab) off the line, the crowd of people were gone. honestly, just two people remained besides me. oh dear. so i haven't tried the slackline again, but will get up the courage sometime again. actually, i think instead i'll wait for a good day when i send something and need to be humbled. ah yes, i can rely on slacklining for a good dose of humility.

this morning a potential friend made an effort to be nice to me and invited me over for coffee in the morning. he runs with the locals here and i must admit i'm really intimidated by the group. i try not to be, but remember that i have no friend shelter. i have to sit in the group all on my own, and if i'm not feeling like being top notch entertainment, i'm pretty quiet. i made an offhand remark to him about how no one really talked to me the other night when he invited me over for dinner and the strong regulars were there and he told me what i needed to hear. he looked at me, cocked his head slightly and said "well half the time i don't even think you like me." oh dear. he's got a point. meeting people is one thing, but i need to remember that this is the desert... there are no trees, there is no screen or shelter so we're all in each other's space, essentially. i need to make a conscious effort to say hi to people when i see them, instead of just retreating into my shell. it's just strange to always be on my own... i can't always expect other people to take the initiative to get to know me.

so i gave some thought to what my potential friend said this morning. somehow i manage to occasionally come across as unfriendly. well, i can't fake excitement for every person every time i see them, and i'm solar powered so i have trouble being chipper when it's cold and dreary. or maybe i'm using that as an excuse and just like to feel sorry for myself every so often?

Humourous Attempt at Being Social #2
i went to the barn and decided to be social with the few people there. one of the guys was fixing the fooz ball table - another sport i've never tried so i figured that, like slacklining, i should suck up the courage to try it out. i explained that i had never played before and he explained the basics to me. we played and i lost terribly, of course. it's kind of like when i tried slacklining, only without the bizarre crowd vanishing action. so the two other people jumped in to play doubles, and the guy who made up the other half of my team had been watching the entire painful ordeal that was the previous game. oh yeah, he was a great partner, taking the game so seriously, shouting "stupid goalie" when i allowed a goal, and chastising me on my technique.
i almost made a comment about how it was good that this interchange happened just before he was leaving since now we wouldn't have to worry about a friendship blossoming, but i remembered about trying to be nice and bit my tongue.

the bottom line is that i'm by myself and relying on other people for my happiness, confidence and self esteem is completely unrealistic. being on my own, the only thing that matters is what i think of myself. if i'm withdrawn and lack confidence, people will react to me in the same way. they really only react to the image that you project.

my next attempt at being social will hopefully be a bit less on the slapstick humour side. the hueco rock rodeo is here next weekend - it's a big climber gathering and comp from what i can gather. i'm not quite ready to leave this place, but i would never go out of my way to attend a large gathering of people i don't know. this is a great opportunity to get involved in the community, so i've volunteered to help out. if it's just something like sitting at the registration desk signing people in, that would be fine; but it would be great to have a more active role.

maybe i just need my mind to focus on something so i can stop worrying about my performance in climbing.