ramble on

When I was a little girl and I couldn’t sleep, I used to get up and walk around the house in the dark. It was fun to navigate in the dark and to make as little noise as possible. I’ve done this in many places in my life. My favourite was my Aunt Leota’s cottage in St. Martins, NB. She and my Uncle Hilliard kept the place as a summer home for a while and eventually moved out there in their senior years.

I don’t know why, but I’m … well I wouldn’t call it sentimental, but I’m certainly reflective lately. It’s like my entire memory is playing back for me… considering just about everything that has ever happened in my life. I’m not exaggerating. I get songs from church in my head and remember the words. I see faces of children I went to school with. I hover over my old house via google earth. Can you believe they left the old shed up? Gross.

Where is home, really? Is it where you grew up? Is it where you are now? Is it where you die? That’s what I have on my mind. I’m really going tomiss this place, but on the other hand, I hate it. That can’t be home.

What if, what if. The cheery fatalist side of me decided to show up today, and I started thinking about what if this trip was actually a bad idea. One of those tragic stories where the protagonist chases dreams, and meets an unfortunate disaster (are disasters ever fortunate?).

I don’t want my car to break down. No raping, pillaging or murder. No weird American stuff while I’m in the country. (heh heh country, gigiddy) I will climb as much as possible, and not injure myself. I will not hit myself in the teeth with a cam, or take a fall that results in my hitting the ground and exploding on impact.

My cheerful fatalist side has sabotaged earlier attempts at climbing holidays. I’ve really got to learn how to take risks. I was just thinking about lead climbing - and lead falling – and I broke into a sweat. And that was just thinking about leading in the gym! Eek! I hope I’m ready for this trip. Maybe I’ll just boulder V0s that are 10ft high or less with good landings!

Oh me oh my. It’s so strange. I’m oddly calm with this decision, I know it’s right… I get so excited but goddamn I’m scared. Me me me.

If this trip turns out to be a bad idea, it could change me forever. I won’t be taking anymore risks in life, not ever. I’ll become a boring secretary who is happy to stay at work with her flabby triceps. I’m dramatic as well.