stranger in a strange land

*watch out... longest post ev-er*

so monday was the day to talk to people. i'm in a climber town, so there are people to talk to. i exchanged a few words with people i saw in zion, but normally they appeared frightened when i told them i was on a solo rock climbing road trip. she's crazy. i can understand that, to a family out hiking, living on the road and climbing rocks may seem crazy.

i go on a will-work-for-food quest and all i manage to do is sell a book. I’m happy with my new five dollar bill. on the way back to the car, i see a guy sitting on a bench and say hi. are you a climber? i ask. i've been searching for climbers. i ask if i can get some beta from him and he realizes that he recognizes me from hueco. yes yes i remember him now too. i met a lot of people in hueco. where do the climbers camp? i ask him. he tells me about indian creek, which is an hour south. south is the wrong way for me right now but what the hell, i've heard all about indian creek and why not go for some stellar crack climbing? i told him that i've been mostly bouldering lately and that i don't have much experience on splitter cracks. no worries, he tells me. everyone is super chill and super friendly. he draws me a map to the crag. where's the camping? i ask him. oh, you can camp anywhere. where are you camping? i ask. oh, down past the river, he says, evading my question. Someone he knows walks by and they exchange greetings. They ask him where he's staying, to which he responds "the cottonwoods". I ask him about the cottonwoods camping area and he says "oh it's just a place to camp by a river with some trees." Sounds perfect.

moab's having a windstorm today and bouldering by myself is a bit extra challenging. a few times i have to brave a top out after my pad blew away, and another time i had to jump down and chase it as it made a tumbleweed style run for the highway. so what, i make the best of it despite the weather. nothing's ruining my mood.

I’m thinking about how religion seems to have fallen from grace lately. it isn't as popular anymore, and people need new ways to identify themselves. in moab this weekend there was some sort of annual jeeper gathering. jeeping is going offroad (preferably in a hyper-jacked up jeep) and moab has a lot of off road tracks to choose from. i camped off to the side of one last night, and probably ruined the off road experience for a few people when they saw my little, old, beater car parked in there no problem. i guess my identity is one of a climber, and i was craving climber companionship after a few days hiking in national parks. if climbing is a religion, then sign me up!

it's a gorgeous drive to indian creek down from moab and i'm on the top of the world. i have finally adjusted to the concept that my roadtrip is ending. i'm going to be happy, damn it and enjoy that last little bit. i don't know when i'll be able to do this again. this is what being on the road is about, I just talked to a guy in moab and now i have directions to climbing and a place to camp. the music is perfect and the scenery is great. i'm bringing provisions to stay a few days in case i like it. the drive goes according to directions, i'm stunned at the scenery, slowing down to take pictures of my surroundings. I find the crags and look for the camping. i see a few tents off in the distance and it suits the description of the guy's site. Trees and a river. Perfect.

driving around the camping area, looking for signs of climbers, i turn the corner and there are two very long slacklines. i found them! this is where the climbers camp. it will be so good to have people to hang out with tonight. i find a spot in the bushes to pitch the tent and get to it. i'm so excited. excited to be here, first of all. it's the most beautiful place i've ever camped - surrounded by miles of sandstone cliffs, and there is some lush greenery donated by the nearby river. i'm also excited since i'm going to sleep in the tent. i just spent six nights in the car, and i can take no more. i need to settle in the same place at least for two nights so i can sleep.

a car pulls up, and when i stand up from pegging the tent, two girls are standing there, looking at my car. since i've had problems with the starter i try not to start her too often, so i left her in the middle of the circle while i found a place to pitch. i apologize right away and say i'm going to move my car, and they inform me that i've pitched on someone's site. say what? there was no indication of anyone living here... not a cooler, a bin, a chair, nothing. i apologize, and look back at the tent. i tell them that i just finished pitching the tent and i'm sorry, but, well, i'm done. no one is making me pitch this thing again. well, a guy has been parking there for quite a while. parking over here? i haven't even parked my car yet, so i offer to work things out with the guy when he gets here. well, one of the girls says, just to give you fair warning. yes, fair warning, echoes the other girl. I’m not really sure how to respond to my fair warning, so I walk way, returning to my tent.

here i was having a perfect day and now this. why do girls have to be so mean to other girls? i've been experiencing this my entire life. we seem to pose some sort of threat to each other. well, i'm here on my own, i pose no threat, i can leave tomorrow if necessary, damnit. i'm going to have a good day. i am having a good day, and nothing's going to ruin it. this is free land, and I’m too old to play these games. this is silly. i go over to talk to one of the girls.

i walk up, smile, and introduce myself. she laughs and apologizes right away if they were defensive. she asks if i have anyone with me. no no i say. now i understand. they are a close knit group, the permanent residents and they're sick of the weekenders showing up and taking over. they're exhausted from the easter long weekend, as am i. holidays are tough when you're a dirtbag. I talk with both of the girls, about being on the road, and living to climb. I was so glad that I went over to resolve things, and they both apologized for being hostile. Hopefully it’s just another funny story, one of them says.

it's my first time walking into a climbing area all on my own. i don't know anyone here, i don't expect to meet anyone here, and i haven't brought anyone with me. i showed up on my own in tennessee, but that was different since I was the only one there. This time, i have walked into the middle of a group and in doing so i have upset the balance. one by one they come by to check me out. i get an invite over to the fire later and it turns out that the guy who's site i stole left today, so that resolves that. No worries.

I finish dinner and walk over to the fire. Barely anyone looks up, not even the girls that were so friendly earlier. Maybe I have arrived late, and missed the invitation? I answer a few direct questions and they seem confused by my response. The word “bouldering” hangs in the air and the conversation stops.

It was a bit awkward, but so what. I have been on the road for over four months, and I’ve got nothing to apologize for. I was looking for the climbers, and I found them. I’m just glad to be here. I’ll get through this like I’ve gotten through so much on my trip already. It’s just another thing that will make me stronger. I can take it.

It turns out that I’ve pitched on the site of some Yosemite search and rescue guys. They are Serious Climbers, and a dirtbag boulderer is like the anti-christ to them. The next morning they continue ignoring me, and instead make some snide remarks about Squamish, though they know that’s my destination. I have met so many climbers in the past few months but these are like no other. One of them inquires about my age and guesses me in my very early 20’s. I laugh and tell them that my birthday is on Thursday, and even round up the age I’m turning, for good effort. No birthday wishes. They’re quiet again, and one of the girls says over her shoulder “you’re still a lot younger than us, just so you know.” Silence returns.

Got to be strong! I really wish I had a friend here to climb with. I haven’t trad climbed in a while, and I have a few good friends in BC that I’ll be climbing with in the future. Boy I wish they were here now. I float around the campsite, wanting to leave, but rationalizing a stay. It’s cheaper to stay in one place rather than move around, but I’m just not comfortable here. I’m nervous about when they come back. The guys that have been ignoring me, should I befriend them? Whatever it’s going to be, I’m going to have to make an effort. It’s probably going to be another uncomfortable night.

My world spun around me. I felt completely homesick, but I don’t know where home is. My partner was just visiting me for four weeks and he’s been gone a week now. I wish he was here. I have no one to talk to. I thought I found where the climbers were, but I’m not welcome.

I snapped. I snapped, crackled and popped. I can’t do this anymore. I can’t tiptoe around strangers trying to make best impressions. I can’t be poor, stressing about how to afford food, or where I’m going to sleep for free tonight. I’m exhausted from introducing myself to people, I can’t take it anymore. I miss my friends. I miss having friends around.

I have to follow my gut instinct. I have to leave. The climbing here is world-class but it’s still inaccessible to me. I’m not welcome where I’m camping, and if I’m going to pack up the car, I’m going to drive. It just doesn’t feel right to be on the road anymore. I’m stretching it on the money I do have, and I’m ready to return to work. I miss my partner so badly and the only way I can see him faster is to get us set up in Squamish.

I throw my stuff in the car. Screw this, I’m going to go see my friends. I’m going to BC.