all you can dirtbag

In some respects, it feels like my roadtrip is over.

In some respects, it is.

Maybe I got a little carried away with drifting. I have a very extreme personality -- someone described it as "polar". I'd like to point out that that's polar without the bi. Middle ground is unknown and I can be complete opposites of myself sometimes. I've been observing myself on this trip, trying to learn a few truths here and there.

I'm already reflecting on the trip, sifting through the emotions and experiences that I’ve had along the way; finding inspiration in thinking about the people that I have met. Maybe we don’t realize how much of an impact we have on each other.

We owe it to ourselves and to any one we care about to figure out one thing about ourselves. What makes you happy? and from there, what do you absolutely need in life to be happy? Not knowing those needs, specifically, puts pressure on those who care about us. We may expect them to provide something, but neither of us knows what it is.

I will share a few of the absolutes I have learned that I need to be happy. I need to have my hair down, I need to be active, and I need to eat well. Something about me that I no doubt have in common with many other people, though, is that i need a certain amount of kindness from others. Since i'm by myself, this means I have to be the trigger. I'm dirtbag poor, so there's not much I can offer.

One night early in this roadtrip, I returned to the campfire to return something to someone and found a young man sitting all by himself, listening to a CB radio. I asked if he had seen the people i was looking for. He said that they had all gone to bed, and quickly added "do you want to talk?" I thought about how nice it would be to get up early tomorrow. Getting up early is so practical, and the day feels longer. I should go to bed. All i wanted to do was go to bed. This guy looked like he really needed to talk, and this could take a while. But when I really thought about it, I realized that there really is no agenda when you're a dirtbag. I could offer my time. I sat down, and we chatted for a couple of hours. He didn't need to vent, or ask my opinion on some grave issue; he just had a lot of conflict in his life as of late and needed someone to talk to. Life is incredibly busy for so many people and when you're living on the road, you're only busy if you want to be. I can offer a listening ear.

It’s easy to become wrapped up in the small little world that life provides. Our focus narrows and so much can be excluded. Being out on my own, just about everyone I meet or see is included in my world by default. It’s important to try to not purposely cause additional stress for others. Hold the door open behind you for someone or let someone into traffic. It's just a way of showing a little consideration, and maybe you'll get some back here or there. (The traffic angle doesn't work so well in las vegas, where people tend to cut me off before i can let them in anyway. I wish them well.)

It's been tough to find a balance with this belief as well. It shouldn't be confused with trying to get everyone to like you, or with dulling your personality to the degree of sweetness normally reserved for cotton candy bubble gum. It isn’t asking anything in return; we live on in the thoughts of others and may they be kind to us.