never was a cornflake girl

Moving to Squamish was a very romantic idea that my partner and I agreed upon almost three years ago when we visited the area for less than a week. It seemed like the ultimate sacrifice, and the way to be “real and hardcore” climbers. Well, I just quit my well paying job and drove around the states climbing for almost five months, so I have nothing to prove about being a real climber or not.

As humans we have many classifications, and I was raised with a religious identity assigned to me from my family. While I enjoyed the community aspect of it, I didn’t agree with the belief system imposed on me in exchange for security. I wanted to know how I really felt about the world, so I ventured out on my own. It was tough to find my place in the world; my community had been taken away from me and it felt as if I had nothing to fall back on. It was at that time that I found climbing, and quickly adopted it as an identity. It was an emotional “quick fix” and something to immerse myself in.

This trip was not at all what I expected. Besides wanting to travel and see new places, I must admit that there were some very selfish and shallow expectations from my trip. There were grades I wanted to tick, an appearance I desired, and I wanted to really focus on being a physically strong climber. Instead of being a stronger climber, I feel stronger emotionally and mentally. I've defined my own personal belief system and I feel secure standing on my own.

I’ve obviously had a lot of time on my own, and I’ve had time to think about my relationships with other people, and really reflect on my life thus far. I have been able to make peace with and let go of so much. Really, We control our own destinies.

This year has been like those "choose your own adventure" books that my brothers and I used to enjoy when we were children. instead of navigating my way through a mummy's tomb, (those books always had mummies) I am shaping the sort of person I will become. Every so often I catch a glimpse of the sort of old lady I will be, and I like her.

The reason I’m not roadtripping anymore is because it's time to make money. In squamish the climbers seem to be established locals, or dirtbags. I just can't dirtbag anymore. Not when there's a city so close (Vancouver) where I can get a job that I'm qualified for, and make enough money to pay my rent. I don't need as much money as I made at my job in Toronto, but there's no need for me to be poor while I have a desire to work, and head on my shoulders and brain in there as well. I'm really excited about this decision - to get to know a new city. I’ve seen so many new places these past six months but this one I get to explore as a potential home. What a great year this has been so far. Living on the road I was able to shed my old ways: meticulously navigating through a new place, paying more attention to a roadmap than to my surroundings. Instead I find it fun to just drive, get lost a little, get my bearings, and figure things out as I go.

On the weekend I just decided to get in the car and left the house about 10 minutes after my decision. I miss that old "hitting the road" feeling. I drove to Vancouver, took an exit and drove around looking for a café with wireless internet access. I emailed friends and looked at apartment ads for the city, and got a feel for being there on my own. Eventually I found good friends to hang out with, and ended up spending a very refreshing evening with them.

The next big step is my return to Toronto. I need to pack up my things and figure out a way to ship them out here. I know it’s going to be incredibly busy, and probably pretty tough. I'm looking forward to seeing so many friends again - faces that I’ve thought of fondly during my trip.

Squamish has been a great introduction for my re-entry into society (sounds like a reentry from space) and I’m eternally grateful to my friends for putting me up and putting up with me for a couple weeks as I recovered from the road. I showed up with the social skills of a wet dog, very disjointed from the world around me and not sure where to start to get a life of my own.

I just really believe in myself again. Squamish has helped me slowly get back to society but for now I have to believe that I will succeed and have a happy life in Vancouver. If something changes there, well, I guess I’ll just have to hit the road.