after 4 years of dreaming, i'm finally doing it... quitting my stable corporate job, and hitting the road on a solo climbing trip. from the countdown to the big move out west... here we go!

Thursday, April 27, 2006

cilantro saved my life

i passed my roommate on the way home from the grocery store this evening. When asked "what are you going to do tonight?" I drew a blank and then responded "bask in the surreality of my life".

Ah yes, 2006 has been very surreal. A solo roadtrip where I drove 19,000km and visited 19 states. Spent a portion of my savings, and then scrambled back to Canada when I just couldn't appreciate visiting another new place.

I've been in Squamish for a week now, and things are going okay. I'm a basic everyday poor person, shopping at second hand stores, putting things back at the grocery store when they are deemed unaffordable, and spending many hours at the government employment agency. It's no fun to feel like an every day poor person, so I try to feel like a climbing bum dirtbag instead. At least that's a familiar feeling. Things are exactly as I had expected they would be in Squamish, and I'm really glad that I took the roadtrip first, instead of just moving straight out here from toronto. Things may have been a bit easier financially, but I doubt I would have coped very well.

I have secured employment... I had a very successful interview today and obtained a position as a hostess at a local restaurant. From there I'll be able to work my way up to being a server. This is what I wanted. I wanted to live in Squamish, I wanted to work at this particular restaurant. I am neither happy or sad about today's turn of events. Maybe when I collect my first pay cheque, reality will kick in. Until then, I haven't made any money at all in 2006.

A key thing that I have learned lately is about dealing with stress. Years ago, my motto was "I don't believe in stress, and I don't get stressed." I have now revised my belief to "you can't run from stress." Stress is everywhere, and typical of the English language, we're lacking words to describe it. There are so many different types of stress. My previous job was stressful, mainly because I wasn't getting a sense of accomplishment, and I wasn't interested in most of the tasks that I was assigned. Being on the road was a totally different type of stress. I think it's just best to recognize stress when you see it, and when you feel it. Call it what it is, it helps with the coping.

Money is a strange creature. In my old job position I could feel myself falling into the trap of never having enough. I'm glad I dropped everything before I woke up one day, old and stable, and realized that I hadn't scratched anything off my life's to-do list.

I'm really glad that I made a total life change. I'm happy with the results so far, and happy with the attention I have been able to give myself. Since I only know a handful of people here, I have more time to focus on my own mental health. Meditation and exercise help me feel in control of my otherwise drifting life.

I've picked a job that I won't make very much money at right away. In all reality, right now I'll have to work a few jobs to make ends meet. But that's okay. I want to work in the hospitality industry, specifically as a server, because I know I'll be good at it. I just know. With the techie job, there were always more educated people, or people that were up on the cutting edge of technology, reciting facts about the latest gadgets and gizmos when I just didn't give a damn. There was always a risk of losing skills or knowledge. As a server, I can work anywhere. This supports my dream to travel. Ah yes, travel is what I want to do. There are restaurants just about anywhere, and soon I'll be able to work all over the world. I'm happy that I got the job that I planned to get.

I'm happy that i've learned how to be self-sufficient, and most of all, I'm happy that I've learned how to focus on the good in my life.

Monday, April 24, 2006

making it

I have made it to squamish safe and sound.

Lately, I have had one question rattling around in my head – where is home? I’m back in Canada, and that’s certainly home for me. But as I meet new people and they ask “where are you from?" I always hesitate. Perhaps for so many people that’s an easy question to answer. A real No Brainer. Well, I need some time to think about it.
I grew up on the east coast, yet I see no future for myself there. I spent eight years in Toronto, yet I see no future for myself there, either. I find the smell of the ocean, especially that skunky low tide rust and rot smell, strangely comforting.

Home is where the heart is. Home is where you hang your hat. How long does it take to feel at home in a place? How long can a person go without feeling at home?

I feel strangely homeless, but not in the living on the streets sense of the word. I must admit though, I have seen a few really big cardboard boxes lately that I considered excellent “fix ‘er up ‘ers”
I have been meeting lots of new people. Is this where I belong? Is this home yet? I have met plenty of people in the same age group and with a similar look as me. When I was a teenager, I dressed to look different, but secretly found it comforting when I saw other kids that dressed the same as me. We adorn ourselves in a way that we hope to attract people much like ourselves.

I have graciously accepted the hospitality of dear friends of mine, settling down in a corner of their warehouse apartment. Standing on the deck, I can see every route on the Chief and Shannon Falls as it pours down from the mountains. A 360 degree turn reveals a number of mountain ranges. On Sunday I climbed multipitch trad on the apron in the morning, and single pitch sport up the road in the afternoon. How is this possible? I don’t feel worthy to live in a place like this.

I am homesick for so many places. The smells and sounds of the ocean here remind me of nova scotia. I miss the lifestyle I had in Toronto, and the disposable income. Here I am still a foreigner, and this beautiful scenery doesn’t seem like it’s mine just yet. I am not worthy.

Thursday, April 20, 2006

homeless homecoming

i really pushed yesterday. i drove from about 6am until 1am this morning.

when i was trying to decide on a place to sleep, i asked myself, "where do i want to wake up on my birthday?" there was only one answer - by the ocean. i grew up on the east coast, very close to the ocean and i've missed it since i moved. my entire eight years in toronto, something didn't quite feel right.

i parked by a picnic area on the west coast of washington state. i know it's a different ocean then the one i grew up by, but the sounds and smells are the same. i just went for a quiet walk on the beach with the sunrise.

amazing. when i knew i was going to be on the road for my birthday, i was trying to plan something to do, somewhere to be, but i really preferred the surprise results.
I'm just south of Seattle, and i'm going home.

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

oh, canada

i'm in the middle of idaho, continuing my run for the border. this trip had to end sometime, and it's just been tough to focus on another two weeks of "drifting" before my return to the quasi-real world.

the decision feels great, and the road is treating me well. i think i'm out of the desert by now. well, there's grass instead of cacti, so i'm guessing i'm out of the desert. i was there for three months. there is lots of time to think now about the big life change approaching quickly. i'm ready to find a job, and ready to not live in my car anymore. it was another uncomfortable night.

i hope that i'll be able to take these experiences with me, that i'll be able to remain calm and continue in my endeavours to understand people's behaviour rather than react to it.

besides, i can think of no better way to spend my birthday eve, within the context of a roadtrip. i was hoping for some super inspiration at all those parks in utah. and though the sights were the most beautiful i've seen, and the most unique, i just couldn't think with so many people around me.

i'm cruising back to the border, i can think of no better place to spend my birthday than back in canada.

Tuesday, April 18, 2006

quit road hit road

ah, it's good to be on the road again. it's been pedal to the metal at a solid 80km/h. it's going to be a long drive.

i've realized that i've become addicted to driving as of late. it's the only place i really get any privacy, and i may as well get my fix now. it's great to be driving after dark again. i've been in bed responsibly by sunset for the past week, and i finally cracked. it's not like i've slept through the night at all the past week.

so, farewell, utah. sorry for missing all the scenic overlooks on the way out, but i have to go now. you've been really, well, pretty. it's not you it's me, i'll call, no really.

stranger in a strange land

*watch out... longest post ev-er*

so monday was the day to talk to people. i'm in a climber town, so there are people to talk to. i exchanged a few words with people i saw in zion, but normally they appeared frightened when i told them i was on a solo rock climbing road trip. she's crazy. i can understand that, to a family out hiking, living on the road and climbing rocks may seem crazy.

i go on a will-work-for-food quest and all i manage to do is sell a book. I’m happy with my new five dollar bill. on the way back to the car, i see a guy sitting on a bench and say hi. are you a climber? i ask. i've been searching for climbers. i ask if i can get some beta from him and he realizes that he recognizes me from hueco. yes yes i remember him now too. i met a lot of people in hueco. where do the climbers camp? i ask him. he tells me about indian creek, which is an hour south. south is the wrong way for me right now but what the hell, i've heard all about indian creek and why not go for some stellar crack climbing? i told him that i've been mostly bouldering lately and that i don't have much experience on splitter cracks. no worries, he tells me. everyone is super chill and super friendly. he draws me a map to the crag. where's the camping? i ask him. oh, you can camp anywhere. where are you camping? i ask. oh, down past the river, he says, evading my question. Someone he knows walks by and they exchange greetings. They ask him where he's staying, to which he responds "the cottonwoods". I ask him about the cottonwoods camping area and he says "oh it's just a place to camp by a river with some trees." Sounds perfect.

moab's having a windstorm today and bouldering by myself is a bit extra challenging. a few times i have to brave a top out after my pad blew away, and another time i had to jump down and chase it as it made a tumbleweed style run for the highway. so what, i make the best of it despite the weather. nothing's ruining my mood.

I’m thinking about how religion seems to have fallen from grace lately. it isn't as popular anymore, and people need new ways to identify themselves. in moab this weekend there was some sort of annual jeeper gathering. jeeping is going offroad (preferably in a hyper-jacked up jeep) and moab has a lot of off road tracks to choose from. i camped off to the side of one last night, and probably ruined the off road experience for a few people when they saw my little, old, beater car parked in there no problem. i guess my identity is one of a climber, and i was craving climber companionship after a few days hiking in national parks. if climbing is a religion, then sign me up!

it's a gorgeous drive to indian creek down from moab and i'm on the top of the world. i have finally adjusted to the concept that my roadtrip is ending. i'm going to be happy, damn it and enjoy that last little bit. i don't know when i'll be able to do this again. this is what being on the road is about, I just talked to a guy in moab and now i have directions to climbing and a place to camp. the music is perfect and the scenery is great. i'm bringing provisions to stay a few days in case i like it. the drive goes according to directions, i'm stunned at the scenery, slowing down to take pictures of my surroundings. I find the crags and look for the camping. i see a few tents off in the distance and it suits the description of the guy's site. Trees and a river. Perfect.

driving around the camping area, looking for signs of climbers, i turn the corner and there are two very long slacklines. i found them! this is where the climbers camp. it will be so good to have people to hang out with tonight. i find a spot in the bushes to pitch the tent and get to it. i'm so excited. excited to be here, first of all. it's the most beautiful place i've ever camped - surrounded by miles of sandstone cliffs, and there is some lush greenery donated by the nearby river. i'm also excited since i'm going to sleep in the tent. i just spent six nights in the car, and i can take no more. i need to settle in the same place at least for two nights so i can sleep.

a car pulls up, and when i stand up from pegging the tent, two girls are standing there, looking at my car. since i've had problems with the starter i try not to start her too often, so i left her in the middle of the circle while i found a place to pitch. i apologize right away and say i'm going to move my car, and they inform me that i've pitched on someone's site. say what? there was no indication of anyone living here... not a cooler, a bin, a chair, nothing. i apologize, and look back at the tent. i tell them that i just finished pitching the tent and i'm sorry, but, well, i'm done. no one is making me pitch this thing again. well, a guy has been parking there for quite a while. parking over here? i haven't even parked my car yet, so i offer to work things out with the guy when he gets here. well, one of the girls says, just to give you fair warning. yes, fair warning, echoes the other girl. I’m not really sure how to respond to my fair warning, so I walk way, returning to my tent.

here i was having a perfect day and now this. why do girls have to be so mean to other girls? i've been experiencing this my entire life. we seem to pose some sort of threat to each other. well, i'm here on my own, i pose no threat, i can leave tomorrow if necessary, damnit. i'm going to have a good day. i am having a good day, and nothing's going to ruin it. this is free land, and I’m too old to play these games. this is silly. i go over to talk to one of the girls.

i walk up, smile, and introduce myself. she laughs and apologizes right away if they were defensive. she asks if i have anyone with me. no no i say. now i understand. they are a close knit group, the permanent residents and they're sick of the weekenders showing up and taking over. they're exhausted from the easter long weekend, as am i. holidays are tough when you're a dirtbag. I talk with both of the girls, about being on the road, and living to climb. I was so glad that I went over to resolve things, and they both apologized for being hostile. Hopefully it’s just another funny story, one of them says.

it's my first time walking into a climbing area all on my own. i don't know anyone here, i don't expect to meet anyone here, and i haven't brought anyone with me. i showed up on my own in tennessee, but that was different since I was the only one there. This time, i have walked into the middle of a group and in doing so i have upset the balance. one by one they come by to check me out. i get an invite over to the fire later and it turns out that the guy who's site i stole left today, so that resolves that. No worries.

I finish dinner and walk over to the fire. Barely anyone looks up, not even the girls that were so friendly earlier. Maybe I have arrived late, and missed the invitation? I answer a few direct questions and they seem confused by my response. The word “bouldering” hangs in the air and the conversation stops.

It was a bit awkward, but so what. I have been on the road for over four months, and I’ve got nothing to apologize for. I was looking for the climbers, and I found them. I’m just glad to be here. I’ll get through this like I’ve gotten through so much on my trip already. It’s just another thing that will make me stronger. I can take it.

It turns out that I’ve pitched on the site of some Yosemite search and rescue guys. They are Serious Climbers, and a dirtbag boulderer is like the anti-christ to them. The next morning they continue ignoring me, and instead make some snide remarks about Squamish, though they know that’s my destination. I have met so many climbers in the past few months but these are like no other. One of them inquires about my age and guesses me in my very early 20’s. I laugh and tell them that my birthday is on Thursday, and even round up the age I’m turning, for good effort. No birthday wishes. They’re quiet again, and one of the girls says over her shoulder “you’re still a lot younger than us, just so you know.” Silence returns.

Got to be strong! I really wish I had a friend here to climb with. I haven’t trad climbed in a while, and I have a few good friends in BC that I’ll be climbing with in the future. Boy I wish they were here now. I float around the campsite, wanting to leave, but rationalizing a stay. It’s cheaper to stay in one place rather than move around, but I’m just not comfortable here. I’m nervous about when they come back. The guys that have been ignoring me, should I befriend them? Whatever it’s going to be, I’m going to have to make an effort. It’s probably going to be another uncomfortable night.

My world spun around me. I felt completely homesick, but I don’t know where home is. My partner was just visiting me for four weeks and he’s been gone a week now. I wish he was here. I have no one to talk to. I thought I found where the climbers were, but I’m not welcome.

I snapped. I snapped, crackled and popped. I can’t do this anymore. I can’t tiptoe around strangers trying to make best impressions. I can’t be poor, stressing about how to afford food, or where I’m going to sleep for free tonight. I’m exhausted from introducing myself to people, I can’t take it anymore. I miss my friends. I miss having friends around.

I have to follow my gut instinct. I have to leave. The climbing here is world-class but it’s still inaccessible to me. I’m not welcome where I’m camping, and if I’m going to pack up the car, I’m going to drive. It just doesn’t feel right to be on the road anymore. I’m stretching it on the money I do have, and I’m ready to return to work. I miss my partner so badly and the only way I can see him faster is to get us set up in Squamish.

I throw my stuff in the car. Screw this, I’m going to go see my friends. I’m going to BC.

Monday, April 17, 2006

dancing with tears in my eyes

Southern Utah is almost Too Pretty. The sights i have seen over the past few days are becoming a sensory overload. The landscape is constantly changing, but changing drastically from one amazing view to another.

I have visited three national parks, and driven through a few national monuments and national forests. There's a reason why these places have been preserved as parks... it's like this is the only place on earth such formations exist. It's like nothing I've ever seen before, and when I was originally dreaming of this roadtrip, driving my little car through the southwest, i imagined driving by loads of desert towers. Now i've gotten the scenery that I wanted and it's too much to handle. If I had to live the rest of my life in black & white, I would be happy if I could only keep my memories in color.

I surprised myself yesterday by pushing through to Moab. It almost feels like I'm going in the wrong direction, since Moab is the furthest east that I'll be backtracking on this trip. I could see the mountains in Colorado from the highway, and I would love to go there. I've never been to Colorado, but time has run out and I should save something for next time. From now on it's North and West.

Moab is a great little climber/outdoorsy town, with a cute main street, and wi-fi everywhere. Buying a cup of coffee today was a huge treat for me since I have managed to go six days only spending $6, besides gas. Gas is my only necessity right now, I've been living off the provisions i had already, and eating some very creative meals. I've perfected my personal art of dirtbagging, and I'm almost impressed with how resourceful I've become. If I need something, I think really hard about how I could get it for free. Towns like this are great since I can live off the surplus provided by the tourism district.

Free camping has been creative and exciting. Adventure! I have spent nights squatting on other people's paid-for campsites, a cold night at 8,000 feet in a horse camp, and a night by the Virgin river in the piss-pouring rain hoping i would be able to get my car out of the mud in the morning. Last night I followed directions I found online to "moab free camping" and pulled just off a 4x4 road to park the car. I'm getting more comfortable with sleeping in the car although the experience itself is not comfortable at all. I can't wait to pitch the tent and sprawl out on my luxurious air mattress (free score in bishop.)

Sunday, April 16, 2006

what, me worry?

I am in the middle of my tour of National Parks in southern Utah. So far I've visited Zion and Bryce Canyon. The beauty here is almost ridiculous. I'm sitting in the lobby of an area hotel, so I must hurry up with my wireless usage.

Zion was breathtaking. I did the "angel's landing" hike, which brings you along the top of a ridge. There are chains in place and warnings about falling off. I squeezed past a number of tourists in heavy duty mountaineering boots and technical approach wear as they were frozen in place, with a death grip on the chains. It was pretty crowded on angel's landing, there wasn't much room for any angels to land since the landing strip was covered in people eating sandwiches. The view was beautiful just the same.


Zion means "house of god" and maybe god was surprised so many people showed up for easter. We were treated to a thunder and lightning storm, and that seemed to clear out the crowds. I also did the Hidden Canyon hike, and was pleased to find that the maintained trail really does end at the mouth of a canyon, and you are free to walk back as far as you'd like. This was a treat since otherwise you're limited to where the shuttle buses take you, and it happened to be one of the busiest weekends at Zion. I found some beautiful scenery and valuable solitude in the canyon; the thunder would rumble for about 10 seconds and then echo back and forth through the valley for another 30 seconds. Amazing.

On the way back out, I managed to inadvertantly scare a few more tourists. One lady grasped the chains, and as I willingly yielded to let her go by, she grabbed my sleeve and yelled "SHE'S WEARING FLIP FLOPS!!!" I explained that they are hiking sandals and that I'll be fine, thanks. Another time I moved off the chains to allow another hiker to pass, the girl froze and said "I'm not that comfortable with you over there." I think i've gotten over my fear of heights, I used to get vertigo at about 14 feet up when I was a child. Really, I wasn't that close to the edge.


Being shuttled around the park was a bit of a novelty - it's not often that i'm a passenger these days. But it was amazing the next day when I got to drive out of the park on my own. There's something about driving yourself... it's your view and you aren't sharing it with a busload of people.


It's been an interesting experience to be on my own in these parks over a holiday. I rarely ever see another solo hiker; it's almost only families and couples. I can't help but feel a bit on display. Each person who sees me seems to register "hey she's on her own." When I went to Bryce Canyon, I picked out the strenuous hike that said "less crowded" in the description. I did the Fairyland loop hike, which checks in around 12km. It was amazing, and i only saw about 5 other people the entire hike.

The photos from Zion are a bit grey and gloomy, mainly because it was overcast. I am having trouble loading photos, so I will check back in and post pictures of Bryce Canyon next time I am online (hopefully with a better signal).

it's fun to ask a complete stranger to take your picture. really, you just hope they don't take your camera.


a few of the eight deer i had a staring contest with in Bryce Canyon

the tower bridge, bryce canyon

looking back over the canyon towards the end of the fairyland hike. with that much pink, it is a fairyland...

Thursday, April 13, 2006

dust in the wind

time flies, time drags, and no matter how it feels, time just keeps going by. it's my lucky day - number 13 - which marks four months of being on the road.

i'm living in the car again, in red rocks for a few days. some kind climbers let me park on their campsite free of charge since I can't even dream of paying $10/night for camping. the final crunch is on, and it's time for some Extreme Dirtbagging to save on expenses.

today i went to do an easy circuit of problems at the kraft boulders close to red rocks. i've been amazed at the quality of the bouldering here... who knew that on top of high class sport and trad, there's high class bouldering, too? the rock is sandstone of amazing quality and there is an abundance of really easy but interesting problems to ensure you're warmed up enough. it depends on timing and the route i choose to take back to canada, but i would really like to come back this way.

i'm leaving for Zion right now, it's a full moon tonight and i want to go somewhere amazing to watch it rise. it's time for the tour of Utah's national parks... arches, bryce canyon and zion are all on the list. off to the 17th state visited so far on this trip....

Wednesday, April 12, 2006

all you can dirtbag

In some respects, it feels like my roadtrip is over.

In some respects, it is.

Maybe I got a little carried away with drifting. I have a very extreme personality -- someone described it as "polar". I'd like to point out that that's polar without the bi. Middle ground is unknown and I can be complete opposites of myself sometimes. I've been observing myself on this trip, trying to learn a few truths here and there.

I'm already reflecting on the trip, sifting through the emotions and experiences that I’ve had along the way; finding inspiration in thinking about the people that I have met. Maybe we don’t realize how much of an impact we have on each other.

We owe it to ourselves and to any one we care about to figure out one thing about ourselves. What makes you happy? and from there, what do you absolutely need in life to be happy? Not knowing those needs, specifically, puts pressure on those who care about us. We may expect them to provide something, but neither of us knows what it is.

I will share a few of the absolutes I have learned that I need to be happy. I need to have my hair down, I need to be active, and I need to eat well. Something about me that I no doubt have in common with many other people, though, is that i need a certain amount of kindness from others. Since i'm by myself, this means I have to be the trigger. I'm dirtbag poor, so there's not much I can offer.

One night early in this roadtrip, I returned to the campfire to return something to someone and found a young man sitting all by himself, listening to a CB radio. I asked if he had seen the people i was looking for. He said that they had all gone to bed, and quickly added "do you want to talk?" I thought about how nice it would be to get up early tomorrow. Getting up early is so practical, and the day feels longer. I should go to bed. All i wanted to do was go to bed. This guy looked like he really needed to talk, and this could take a while. But when I really thought about it, I realized that there really is no agenda when you're a dirtbag. I could offer my time. I sat down, and we chatted for a couple of hours. He didn't need to vent, or ask my opinion on some grave issue; he just had a lot of conflict in his life as of late and needed someone to talk to. Life is incredibly busy for so many people and when you're living on the road, you're only busy if you want to be. I can offer a listening ear.

It’s easy to become wrapped up in the small little world that life provides. Our focus narrows and so much can be excluded. Being out on my own, just about everyone I meet or see is included in my world by default. It’s important to try to not purposely cause additional stress for others. Hold the door open behind you for someone or let someone into traffic. It's just a way of showing a little consideration, and maybe you'll get some back here or there. (The traffic angle doesn't work so well in las vegas, where people tend to cut me off before i can let them in anyway. I wish them well.)

It's been tough to find a balance with this belief as well. It shouldn't be confused with trying to get everyone to like you, or with dulling your personality to the degree of sweetness normally reserved for cotton candy bubble gum. It isn’t asking anything in return; we live on in the thoughts of others and may they be kind to us.

Sunday, April 02, 2006

trying to be strong


well well... i do believe i may have made peace with the cessation of the roadtrip. i'm getting excited about the unknown life ahead of me settling in squamish... i'd love to find work just to make it through a very simple summer. this is sort of an extension of my roadtrip, but since i'm in canada i can still work. this is a good thing, and not a bad thing. at first i was really scared that all the advancement i have made on this roadtrip would be suddenly lost and i'd be living that incredibly cushy life again in canada.

not so.

after checking my finances, i've realized that i'm almost done with the Roadtrip Reserve Funds. so i'm going to have to take whatever work i can find in squamish. my past career doesn't exist there, so i'll probably still be a climber bum of some calibre.

climbing has been going well. to put it simply, i'm trying again. i was feeling a bit discouraged and down for a bit while i sorted through the end of the roadtrip. now i'm determined to climb as hard as i can and what better place to do it but in bishop? this place has a number of different places to boulder, and each location has its own personality. i don't think i'll be doing much roped climbing here, but how happy am i to climb the overhangs at the happys?

some of my real friends from hueco have reentered my life, and i actually have a bit of a routine with who i climb with. it's amazing the people you end up seeing again. i find myself running into people that i met once a long time ago, and then there are the friends that i've made where we try to see each other again later on our respective roadtrips.